I am unsure if I am the only one who is experiencing these problems or simply the only one talking about it. Typically I do not like my life on display as I am an extremely private person. However, writing is way less expensive than therapy. If I can help one other person dealing with infertility just by letting them know they are not alone then that is even better. I am not a victim, nor am I looking for sympathy – this is simply just a way to deal with this battle.
Each time I was diagnosed with another condition, my chances of conceiving dwindled, and I told myself it was God’s way of saying I was not meant to be a mother. Up until less than two years ago, I never wanted to get married and have kids, and God was just giving me what I previously thought I wanted. I even went so far as to convince myself that I was being punished for past transgressions. With two surgeries in the past year for feminine issues and a myriad of other health problems, I had really reached the end of my rope. My ob/gyn had been discussing the Lupron Depot injection for a while, and it was ordered and an injection appointment was set about a month after my last surgery. I went into the appointment unsure if I wanted the injection. I was terrified of Lupron after reading all of the horror stories – it suppresses estrogen (in an attempt to shrink the endometriosis) which puts your body into a menopause-like state. I talked to my husband about it, and he told me he would support whatever I chose to do. I told my doctor that I really did not want the injection and practically begged her for a complete hysterectomy. I was sick of the constant pain, bleeding, and surgeries. My marriage was struggling, and I was just ready to be done with the issue once and for all.
My doctor told me that if I wanted a hysterectomy she would not deny me, but if there was any chance at all I wanted to conceive to please try Lupron first. I asked about trying to conceive without the Lupron and then having a hysterectomy. “No. You are absolutely not ovulating. You probably have not ovulated for a very long time. You have done EVERYTHING you can, and Lupron is your best option. I think you should try the three month injection and then Clomid to try to jumpstart your ovaries for ovulation,” she informed me. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I knew I had problems and that my chances of conceiving were less than 2%, but this information really put things into perspective. I said a quick prayer that I would make the right decision, and something (God?) told me to try the Lupron.
I think I finally realized that God is not punishing me. The health issues are out of my control - other than taking my medications consistently. I must prioritize being healthy and having a healthy marriage centered on God. I have a feeling that when these things are where they need to be, everything else will fall into place. I question Him sometimes, and I often wonder why I have to go through everything the hard way.
Some days I get upset when I see people seemingly magically getting pregnant without even planning it…or when I hear about mothers who have nine children and abuse and neglect them yet she is able to keep on conceiving…and although I may wish it was me also, I am always happy for my precious friends who have recently delivered healthy, beautiful babies.
On my darkest days, I cry privately and then cheer myself up by thinking of baby names. I think of names and write them down on paper until I have forgotten all of my worries and then I start to think of my chances of conceiving are as real. I also visit my secret (now not so secret) baby board on Pinterest. I start to see a little light at the end of the tunnel every time I think positive thoughts or just talk to God about it.
Last night I had a pregnancy dream, which has occurred before, but this time felt different – so I texted my husband about it:
Me: “I had an extremely vivid dream that I was pregnant. You and Tracy were with me. It was supposed to be a girl. My water broke, and I woke up and had to pee.”
Him: “Was it **** (secret name we have chosen for our girl)?
*I did not tell him this, but his response could not have been more perfect – it made me smile and cry simultaneously*
Me: (In an effort not to get my hopes up) “Idk maybe. Or someone is about to announce they are pregnant. It was Hanna last time I dreamed I was preg”
*Upon second thought, several minutes later*
Me: “I think it was her”
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