Greater Expectations

I hate to see people hurt, sad, and disappointed so throughout the years I developed quite a knack for making other people feel good. Now I am not Ellen DeGeneres – I do not have millions of dollars to make all your wishes come true and I am only considered funny if you are into a dry, sarcastic sense of humor -  but I can be your biggest cheerleader and lift your spirits when you are having a bad day. Imagine my surprise when my husband recently commented on my negativity.

One of the things I say the most to others is quit looking at the negative and see the positive. Don’t have any money left in your bank account because you just paid your bills? That’s great news – you had enough money to cover your finances! Some stupid guy whom you thought you may marry just ended your relationship? Yes, it hurts, but thank God it happened before you got married.  You have a big dream no one else understands? I will champion your idea and support you all the way. It is never too late to travel the world, further your education, or do just about anything else your heart desires.

So why in the world my husband ever accuse me of being negative?  After a major questioning on the subject, he informed me that I am negative when it comes to me.  I tried to shrug it off because no big deal, right? Wrong.  I can cheer up him and the rest of the world every single day, but I think it literally drives him crazy that I do not do the same for myself.

When I have a problem, I feel like it is because I have done something wrong to cause it - even things completely out of my control like health issues. I am a perfectionist, and I truly believe that I deserve whatever bad thing is happening because of some past failure.  I grew up this way, it is deeply embedded in me, and I am finally facing it.  As a child, I was the peacemaker in the family, the oldest, the one who never got sick, and the one who never felt quite good enough. I was the one who held it together for everyone else. Now as an adult, I find myself practicing the same behaviors.  I have finally been forced to realize that I hold myself to greater expectations. It hurts my husband, it hurts our marriage, and I had no idea.